Viewing entries tagged
interpersonal relationships
“How to be a great conversationalist
Ask questions.
Don’t complain (much).
Don’t talk about boring experiences (TV show, meal, dream, etc)
Don’t dominate the conversation. Let others talk.
Don’t get stuck on a topic. Keep moving.
Planning is useful, but it isn’t conversation.
Keep the sad stories short, especially medical stories.
The point of conversation is to make the other person feel good.”
“An intimate relationship is a study in everything that is wrong with you. Think about it.” – Gweneth Paltrow
"The key to learning is listening. It was great to talk to CEO World about this important topic. I confess I'm still learning to apply my own advice here, so I'd better listen up!"
Everyone knows that great leaders are great listeners. But as senior level professionals, our opportunity to listen diminishes as we are the people in the room that introduce new ideas, present plans, answer questions. When we do listen, many of us are guilty of preparing our response, thinking about the implications, or predicting what the speaker will say next, instead of truly listening.
How can we tap into the thoughts from our staff? Here are ten ways that you (and I) can listen more.
1. Stop talking.
When someone is speaking to you, let them finish their entire thought before responding. It sounds simple, but it is harder in practice. Even when we agree, we often interrupt to show we understand the point by talking over the speaker before they have finished their thought. In disagreements, we might talk over the person to communicate our counter viewpoint. But when you stop talking and better yet, pause before you respond, you will likely hear something in that last trailing sentiment that you might not have heard if you had interrupted to rush your reply.
2. Advocate for the person speaking.
As you master the skill of refraining from interrupting, you will notice how often others interrupt. Be an advocate for the person speaking – not necessarily agreeing with their position but asking others to let them finish their statement.
3. Don’t multitask.
In our fast-paced society, multi-tasking is celebrated. But to truly listen, the person speaking deserves our full attention. Be fully present throughout the conversation by taking notes and asking follow up questions as needed. By focusing on their words instead of using the time for other responsibilities, we can be more productive in that moment, gaining more clarity for that topic and potentially save time in the future by eliminating misinterpretation.
4. Let someone else lead the conversation.
As senior level professionals, we are inclined to determine the topic, set the agenda and carry the conversation. But when we let someone else lead, whether it be a meeting, group discussion or 1:1, we can empower others voices to be heard while giving ourselves an opportunity to stop, listen and reflect. By being fully present in the moment with the person speaking or leading the conversation you communicate respect and encourage leadership amongst your team members.
5. Ask open ended questions.
When my kids started in school, I would ask them about their day and get brisk “it was fine” or “good” answers. I asked a friend how he got his teenagers to share details of their day and he recommended starting the daily conversation with a story starter, such as “I dropped you off at school, then what happened?” With a storytelling prompt, I found that it was easier for the kids to recall details about their teacher, friends, lessons and activities. In business, this technique works well as you lead people through a timeline, putting them in the moment and likely down a path you wouldn’t have heard if the question could be answered with one word.
6. Be open to old ideas.
As senior professionals, we’ve experienced many of the same situations repeatedly and original ideas and solutions are far and few between. When we hear an idea we’ve already proposed to colleagues or a solution have tried ourselves, we tend to stop listening, often interrupting the speaker with a statement “we already did that.” But if we take time to listen more, we can consider how the environment, products, and other variables have changed since our last attempt. If the context has changed, we might have a solution that could work again or for the first time. By listening more effectively, we can open ourselves to old ideas.
7. Repeat back what the person said.
Reflecting listening skills are a tried and true method for increasing understanding and empathy. By summarizing the speaker’s thoughts in their own words, you demonstrate that you are engaged and understand their statement. If there is a misinterpretation, summarizing gives the speaker an opportunity to clarify and continue the conversation knowing you are both on the same page and leading to a more productive outcome.
8. Create environments to listen.
One reason we might not hear from our team is we haven’t made the time to listen. Schedule meetings and secure a meeting place that allows for conversation. If there is a specific topic you want to learn about, share a few questions before the meeting, kick off with a reminder of those questions, then stop talking and start learning. Scheduling your undivided attention shows your commitment to listening to your employees.
If it’s not possible to meet individually, schedule small group meetings, regularly host open office hours, or make time at the end of a team meeting for open Q&A. Dedicating consistent time to listen to your team, shows that you value their opinions and want to learn from their areas of expertise.
9. Listen with your eyes.
A small child asked his mother if he could tell her a story while she was cooking. The mom responded “sure” but didn’t move her eyes from her cooking task. Moments later she looked down and asked why he wasn’t telling her the story and the boy responded “you weren’t listening with your eyes.”
Maintaining eye contact with the speaker demonstrates they have your full attention and allows you to pick up on their body language – their passion and excitement or their uneasiness about the topic. Listening with your eyes as well as your ears gives you clues to how the speaker is reacting to their own words and gives you greater insight.
10. Act on the conversation.
Perhaps the real value of listening more is the response it elicits. After the conversation, take time to think about the learnings – write down thoughts and any action items. Commit to following up with the person, even if you don’t have an immediate update – circling back to reference the conversation shows that you listened and have learned from what was shared.
A lot has been written about biomimicry and the inspiration that product designers get from studying nature — the skeletal structure of a flying squirrel informing the design of drones or the layered butterfly wing to help create optical coatings for displays. But I have recently been thinking about how interpersonal relationships also mimic the animal world (beyond the fact that homo sapiens are technically animals). In our business relationships, especially in our teamwork where conflict is common, how do we resemble members of the animal kingdom? Specifically, I’ve identified the five most common animal defense systems that I’ve seen in the workplace (including my own) to help identify defense triggers. By better understanding ourselves and each other, we can better react to perceived threats and leverage our natural abilities to overcome conflicts and work better as a team.
I’ll start with the disclaimer that these animal analogies are not flattering. Just like the circumstances in the wild that trigger defense mechanisms, life and teamwork can be messy. They are meant to elicit some introspection and a renewed commitment to conflict resolution so each team member can bring their strengths and work together.
Cobra: I recognize that I often act as a cobra. This snake is well known for the flare up — when threatened, it can rise up and make itself look bigger to scare away would-be predators. In our relationships, this shows up as verbal defensiveness and a posture change. In a business setting, people who mimic cobras often change their posture stand and speak loudly to exude confidence, and often interrupt others. Their emphatic statements might be so persuasive they parade as facts. At their best, they provide passion, clarity and a sense of mission to their team. At their worst, they can be bullies or manipulators. They do all of this in order to put the idea forward more aggressively when others object, and can become dogmatic.
If you are a cobra: When you feel like you need to be bigger, louder, or more aggressive, consider instead the power of gentle persuasion and the need to listen completely to the other side before reacting out of impulse.
If you are working with a cobra: As a cobra, I respond well when teammates push back with new data points and different perspectives. I would encourage colleagues not to let the scary hood or confidence dissuade them from presenting an alternative views. Cobras can be poor (or incomplete) listeners and need people to tell them the truth and help them refine their gut feelings (which trigger the defense mechanism) to help others see their perspective without feeling threatened.
Turtle: The turtle has been immortalized in folk tales as a slow-moving, methodical animal. An animal who wears his defense mechanism on his sleeve, literally. When threatened, the plodding animal gives up any forward progress, to recess into his shell and hide until the threat has passed. I have seen this pattern many times in my colleagues or team mates, a slow-and-steady person, who only agreed to change on a step-by-step basis and will retreat into their shells until everyone can just agree and get along. As turtles don’t need facts to retreat into their shells, they might not even be able to articulate in words what threat is perceived and what might result from the threat. At their best, they provide a comprehensive, well thought out plan and long term direction. At their worst, turtles procrastinate deadlines and decisions, which stalls progress and can delay results.
If you are a turtle: When you feel the temptation to retreat, assess the real threat. Consider the consequences of the worst case scenario and the benefits and drawbacks of making a change. Consider talking to someone who has a bolder approach for their advice. The goal is to determine if there is a way to step out of your comfort zone and start the changing process, or if the threats must be resolved before you leave your shell.
If you are working with a turtle: I have found communication to be key to effectively team with a turtle. It is important to be proactive with the turtle before the defense mechanism is triggered by a complaint or concern. Break down the larger projects and priorities into their pieces, showing the step-by-step processes and how to mitigate risk along the way. Clearly outline roles, responsibilities and decision makers so the turtle knows who to connect with if questions and or suggestions arise.
Electric Eel: The electric eel is ready with 600 volts of electricity to dole out to any would-be predator. There is no negotiation or posturing. There is no hiding. There is only attack. I have certainly worked with many eels. Eels are sharp — armed with data, analysis, and opinion, the eel can unload on anyone who disagrees with them with a current of logical arguments and justifications. They can have a tendency to belittle others, leaving them writhing on the ground after an encounter. At their best, eels are knowledgeable and persuasive. At their worst, they use the threat of retaliation as a deterrent to keep people from disagreeing with them, often unwittingly. Gliding along in their own “everyone agrees with me world,” they may not know that people are not being honest with them or alerting them to potential issues.
If you are an eel: I would encourage you to balance your initial approach with a committed desire for long-term relationship. Think about the person, not just the power you have. You might win the argument with a co-worker and force others into submission, but that isn’t good teamwork. Remember that the focus of your energy should be positive encouragement, not disparaging comments. Make sure you wield data, not shame.
If you work with an eel: Make sure you do your homework. Know your stuff and be prepared for a sting. Dig into the data with them, which might help get the eel on the same side of the negotiating table with you, rather than see themselves in an adversarial role. And if you get stung, there are several approaches to take, but the one that will lead to the most respect is to stand up for yourself. It may be extremely hard, but the bravery it takes to say “that’s not okay” and “here is how you should have responded,” can take the amperage out and put you back at a power parity with your eel colleague.
Sea Cucumber: This very strange animal has an unusual defense mechanism: it surrenders. The highly pliable organism can break itself into pieces, sacrificing body parts (including organs) to a predator until the predator is preoccupied and the sea cucumber (or what is left of it) can get way. It wants to end the conflict as soon as possible and retreat to where it can heal. In the workplace, these are often the soft spoken colleagues who are less likely to take a contrary (and never a combative) view with the group. They are eager to please and just want everyone to get along and mind their own. The problem with this approach is that their valuable perspectives are never shared, which does harm the team and empowers more aggressive colleagues. At their best, their empathy and willingness to pitch in can help the team complete tasks. At their worst, they can be an easy target and take the brunt of bullying.
If you are a sea cucumber: Think about how you can best engage and give your ideas without having to sacrifice yourself. Have confidence that the team deserves your participation. Also, consider that the relative costs of speaking up in the moment is more effective and valuable than having to nurse wounds or regrow body parts later.
If you work with a sea cucumber: I find speaking with reclusive teammates is most beneficial in a 1:1 or smaller setting. If I see that a colleague has taken a brunt of tension-filled meeting and not spoken up, I try to draw them out of their tendency of self-sacrifice to encourage them communicate their ideas and perspectives.
Grizzly Bears: One of the few animals with no natural-born predators, I think we can all learn from the grizzly bears to be a more effective team. Unarmed, even a clever human can’t beat the bear. She doesn’t have to inflict, hide in the woods, or rise up to scare away people to stay alive, because she is capable of all of those things. She doesn’t have to be defensive, because she has power.
How we can be more like Grizzly Bears: We shouldn’t lead with our defense mechanisms, those are there to protect us at the expense of others – the exact opposite of teamwork. We should strive to be our true, higher selves by using our defenses for good so the best ideas come to the forefront.
By recognizing our own biomimicry characteristics, we can combine our natural strengths to harness the confidence of the cobra, the thoughtfulness of the turtle, the healing powers of the sea cucumber, and the knowledge of the eel. By leveraging our defensive tendencies into powerful tools, we can be a team of grizzly bears — working together to influence others, to excite change, to achieve greatness.
This article was originally published by Talent Culture.
